Biden’s speech if he lied like Trump

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So, I’ve been watching the Republican National Convention. I do so because Friedrich Nietzsche said the pursuit of happiness is a dull waste of human life, and that suffering builds character. To be fair, Nietzsche never watched Mike Pence give a speech. Nobody needs that much character.

The thing about the RNC that’s most interesting is that they have utterly abandoned the concept of truth. Speaker after speaker, especially Trump himself, just said whatever they thought sounded good, regardless of it’s connection to reality. There is a brilliance to that. If you have a tough case to make, just make a different one.

I wish I thought of that when I was a lawyer. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, what the videotape of my client committing the murder DOESN’T show you, is that he was in Spain the whole time! He was eating Paella, not strangling the Bishop at all!

Wednesday night, for example, Mike Pence painted a picture of a Donald Trump as completely indifferent to political ramifications, as he obsessed on getting people Personal Protective Equipment like a man possessed (and not by Satan!). Kellyanne Conway literally claimed that Trump said to her “Kellyanne, People need this help, and we’ve got to do all we can to get it to them”. If anyone tells me, without projectile vomiting, that they believe Trump actually said that, I’ll give them a brand new Buick LeSabbre (while supplies last).

I’ve written a lot of political speeches in my life. And as a speechwriter, I can’t help but thinking of the awesome speech I could have written for Biden if not constrained by the actual facts in any way. It may have sounded something like this:

Good evening. It is a special honor to be speaking to you tonight from the town my father founded. I know that Joseph Milwaukee Biden is looking down on us from heaven tonight.

I also want to introduce our next First Lady Dr Jill Biden, a woman who has personally cured numerous contagious skin conditions, won the Nobel Peace Prize, Wimbledon twice, and played bass for The Clash throughout the 80s. I’m proud of you honey.

Tonight, we gather here needing someone to fight for the soul of our nation, just like I fought Smokin’ Joe Frazier at the “Fray in Monterey”, and again, at the Bruhaha in Andoraha.

When I look back at the 14 years I served as vice-President, and the three decades I served as vice-Pope, I am reminded of what our nation should look like. Back then, had 100% employment and then some. And then some more. Nobody ever got sick, and every sports team won the Stanley Cup, even the basketball teams.

Our children were educated by all-knowing cyber-robots who were wise, patient and hot. When a child had trouble at school, I personally went to their house and beat the crap out of everyone responsible for their learning disability. Our education policy was so effective, lot of people called me and said “Joe, everybody knows everything!” And I said “I know!”. And they said “That’s my point”. And I said “I know that too”, but then again, they already knew that.

Our environment was clean back then. There were two suns, even artificial flowers grew to record heights and you could literally drink directly out of barrels of toxic waste, which many Americans did for the subtle, nutty taste.

Contrast that with my opponent, who started the Peloponnesian Wars and invented dysentery. And look at the economy. Donald Trump has lost more jobs than the number of people who ever existed!

“Senseless Violence” Training is mandatory in all schools, and “Random Acts of Kindness” has been replaced with “Random Kicks to the Jimmy”. The CIA is being run by an ostrich, the alphabet only has 14 letters…none of them vowels, and the only flavor of ice cream that is still legal is “briney pickle”.

And what of our foreign policy? Our only ally is the Pacific Ocean. All military decisions are made exclusively by the My Pillow guy, and our entire diplomatic strategy has been reduced to Jared Kushner going around the world, grabbing his upper thigh, and saying “I got your treaty…right here!” Is this the America you want to live in?

President Trump’s response to COVID has been to tell us to inject bleach (this is actually true and cannot be satirized) and to chant “aroo, aroo, virus be gone!” three times. At this rate, we will all be dead by Thursday, and unemployed by Friday.

My fellow Americans, the choice in this election is clear. You can elect me, and live in a state of perpetual, immeasurable wealth and erotic ecstasy at a beach house in Margate, while losing weight and loving your in-laws. Or, you can re-elect Donald Trump and have nothing to show for it but low wages, painful butt boils and butt boils that aren’t painful, but who wants them?

God bless these United States of America!

That was actually a lot of fun! I hope this just-makin’-stuff-up thing catches on!

Written by

Long-time state House and Senate member, author of PA’s Medical Marijuana law, also creator of “shit-gibbon!” Comedian, professor, father of 2 awesome children!

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