If There is a Heaven, is it Boring?

I don’t play golf. In part it’s because I’m bad at the game. Last time I played, I shot in the low 80s, but then the second hole was even worse. Someone once told me that watching me play golf was like watching someone rollerskate up a flight of stairs. Admittedly, that guy was a terrible motivational speaker.

As bad as I am, that’s not the main reason I don’t play golf. My primary aversion to the game is that it takes too damn long. Between getting the cart, apologizing for running over someone’s foot with the cart, drinking beer in the cart, asking the guy in some other cart if they have any extra beer, and occasionally hitting a ball with a club, which is apparently an important part of the game, an 18 hole round of golf can take up to five and a half hours to play. There is literally nothing on planet earth that I want to spend five and a half consecutive hours doing, with the possible exception of eating lo mein.

My attitude towards golf informs my view of heaven. Before I explain this seemingly odd statement, let me make it clear that I don’t actually believe in heaven. Further, even if there is a heaven, the odds of me being admitted are roughly the same as me proposing to Ted Cruz this Valentine’s day. In other words, slightly less than 50%. But I could be wrong. I was very wrong about the 2016 Presidential election, and the results of that have convinced me that anything…literally anything…is possible.

So, let’s assume there is a heaven. That is supposed to be good news. Heaven is reputed to be heavenly. Everything is made of gold. And if you’ve seen the price of gold recently, you know that there must be some serious investment opportunities. You get to live on a cloud and somehow, despite never having had a lesson, you know how to play the harp. You have wings, and if you don’t feel like using them, there is apparently a stairway for sale, at least to women who think that all that glitters is gold.

Religions each view heaven differently. Buddhists believe it is a place you visit temporarily while you are evaluated for reincarnation. I’m coming back as a dwarf-hamster, I just know it. Christians see heaven as looking like Donald Trump’s apartment. Lots of jewels and golden thrones where people sit around for eternity, worshipping and hanging out with God. Moslems describe…