Jarring Life Lessons From my Birthday

This weekend was my birthday. I know that I look so freakishly young, it’s hard to imagine that I have birthdays at all. But nay! I am human. No matter how many teachers, employers and old girlfriends have called me “inhuman”. I put on my pants just like everyone else, over my head.

I’ve never been big on birthdays. When I was a kid, my mother completely refused to acknowledge them. From her perspective, they never happened, which is also true of the “facts of life” talk we never had. Although a friend tells me that there are a series of videos that will explain it all to me. In fact they are all kept on one website. “Sort of a ‘HUB”, if you will.

Even as an adult, there were years where I literally didn’t notice it was my birthday, although I wasn’t indifferent to the concept. I told the server at every single Denny’s I ever ate that it was my birthday, just so I could get the free, birthday Creamy Buffalo Nuggets. Denny’s is not a great restaurant.

But here, in the 2020s, both my immediate family and a series of complete strangers on Facebook makes sure I remember my birthday every single year! And now you know too! To be clear, I’m not suggesting anyone get me any gifts. But in a completely tangental and unrelated way, I’d just mention that I take a size 14 in a cowboy boot, and my favorite pleasure boat is a Leopard 46 Powercraft, with a gold heli-pad.

With age comes wisdom, as well as a weird sinking in your pelvic wall. I thought I’d share some of that birthday wisdom with you. The pelvic wall thing I’ll keep to myself. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned about birthdays over the years.

= If you have the same birthday as someone, that never changes, even with a court order. You are birthday buddies for life. So here’s to it Clarence Thomas! You and me forever!

= The 60s are the “new teens”. So, apparently I’m not allowed into R rated movies. (I wonder how that affects viewing my “facts of life” videos on the Hub?)

= The traditional birthday song is “Happy Birthday” and not Prince’s “Darling Nikki” FOR A REASON!

= No matter what the TV commercials tell you, not every birthday involves waking up to a new car with a bow on it in the driveway.