My Embellished Resume!

When I was running for political office, I would sometimes embellish. Not my resume so much. I thought most people don’t really care about where I went to college or that I managed to survive three summers working at Dorney Park, not getting fired until season 3.

I also thought resumes are too easy to check. If I said that I accompanied Neil Armstrong to the moon, any intrepid reporter might be suspicious about my claim to have co-piloted a NASA space mission when I was 7. Then, it would just be a question of checking the flight manifest and determining that I was not one of the three people on the lunar module.

My embellishments mostly came in the form of the claims of what I would accomplish if I were elected. When I first ran, I was trying to become a freshman in a body almost entirely based on seniority and a Democrat in a body run dictatorially by Republicans. But I didn’t think that touting my actual plans, which were to “eat free pretzels” and “Get a paycheck” was inspiring enough to lure voters to my side.

So, I proudly proclaimed that I had a “plan to end traffic”, which mostly consisted of saying that I had a plan to end traffic. I was going to “make health-care affordable” by doing cool stuff that freshmen state legislators in the minority from Pennsylvania can do to a multi-trillion dollar, national industry. And I was going to “ensure that…