My Trump-Inspired Christmas Message to the Nation

In America, holidays are a time for tradition. Lovingly exchanging gifts on Christmas, returning the lame crap you got for Christmas on Boxing day. Losing fingers in fireworks accidents on Independence Day, mattress sales on Memorial Day. Scarfing down turkey on Thanksgiving and delighting in endless buckets of anchovies on Tu BiShvat (I may have a few details of that one wrong).

Another time-honored American tradition involves the issuance of heart-warming holiday greetings by our leaders. Arguably, George Washington began this tradition with his famous Christmas message to the troops at Valley Forge. He continued custom throughout his presidential administration and beyond, only ceasing when his wooden teeth killed him (who could have seen THAT coming?).

Since then, all of our presidents generally issue statements designed to inspire our country on our national holidays. It’s a great way to bring the country together and remind us all of our common humanity and reinforce our shared heritage as Americans whose differences pale in comparison to what binds us together.

Sure, the presidents differed in style. While they all touched on patriotism and American greatness, they often varied to reflect the times. Ronald Reagan and George Bush both talked about a world once divided harmonizing at last as the iron…