No. Aliens from Outer Space have not Visited Us.

My grandmother used to have a saying. “You shouldn’t need a Sidewinder missile to shoot down a Chinese balloon”. Grandma was a profoundly strange woman who spent her later years publicly threatening to eat various foreign leaders. Nonetheless, she did kind of have a point.

Over the past week or so, we’ve repeatedly launched $400,000 Sidewinder missiles to shoot down various dirigibles drifting across yak country in upper Montana. This won’t rival Pickett’s Charge in the annals of military history, but it’s nice to know that any intrusive balloons are no match for our annual $215 Million air force budget. As the mosquito wings in our air force say “Aim High….Fly-Fight-Win”. Although, maybe some of that $215 Million could have been spent on coming up with a better slogan. Just sayin…

As of today, we still don’t know what all of the stray objects we’ve shot down are. And it is that uncertainty which, as night follows day, or me cursing out anyone near me follows me stubbing my toe, leads to talk of UFOs.

Of course, “UFO” stands for “Unidentified Flying Object”, which is a quite benign designation. It simply means that we don’t know what the object is yet. There is no reason to take the absurd logical leap that anything which is identified must be a two-headed, green tribble with one eye who has come here to destroy our planet after it procreates with Hillary Clinton. Just last night I found a UFO (“Unidentified Floating Object”) in my soup. I just assumed it was something silly, like a mouse head, or part of Jimmy Hoffa. I didn’t just conclude it came from planet Thorcrux Z-85B (we really have to get better at naming planets).

The Chinese Balloon incident, which somehow makes me really miss Guns N’ Roses, is only the latest event that has caused otherwise intelligent people to decide that the only answer must be creatures from outer space. We all know of the mythology that surrounds Roswell, New Mexico and we’ve all heard dozens of people throughout America claim that they have met, been detained and somehow violated by aliens. Troublingly, almost all of these people seem to be uncles of mine.

Well, this is why I am here (I’m guessing you were wondering by now). I’ve come to tell you, in my most soothing and reassuring voice, that whatever has…