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Read the Trump Concession Speech you’ll never Hear

Imagine for a moment it’s November 3rd, election night. You are settling in to watch the returns with your favorite drink. Mine’s Vodka with an Ensure chaser. Sometimes I even skip the vodka.

You see Lester Holt call Florida and Michigan for Biden. Flipping around the channels, Wolf Blitzer announces Ohio is too close to call, but Wisconsin is clearly blue. Then flipping some more you stumble in a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon and realize you’ve flipped too far, and that you really need to stop paying for so many channels. But soon you are back to Chris Cuomo saying Biden now has over 350 Electoral Votes, and that President Trump is about to speak.

The President ambles to the Microphone as only a very stable genius can, and says the following speech

“My fellow Americans. It falls to me tonight to wish our new President-elect Joe Biden heartfelt congratulations. We fought the good fight, but it is clear that the American people have chosen a new direction for our nation. While this may not be the result we all hoped for, the people have spoken and I respect that.

What matters more than any particular candidate in any given election is the proud American tradition of the peaceful transfer of power. We are a nation of laws where the people are sovereign, and so I accept the results with a full heart.

I know that some of my supporters are very disappointed. I share that disappointment. But I urge all of you to join me in getting behind this new President. I’m sure I speak for all Americans when I offer President-elect Biden our prayers, our loyalty and our best offices as we head into the transition. God bless the United States of America.”

I hope you enjoyed that, because there isn’t a human being not living in Madama Tussaud’s Wax Museum who believes you will ever, eeeeever, hear Donald Trump say these words.

Trump is as likely to give a gracious concession speech as Dr. Fauci is to announce he’s a cannibal, and educating Trump on the importance of the peaceful transition of power to our democracy is like explaining Supertramp to a Racoon. And the word “gracious” is not in his vocabulary, which also does not include most verbs.

What we are far more likely to hear from Trump if Biden wins is an unhinged screed which includes a dollop of “fraud” and pinch of “rigged”, a smattering of “China” and a whole bevy of gratuitous racism, just because, like Taco Bell’s Double Stacked Tacos, he simply can’t resist. All of this will be a precursor to his declaring the election illegitimate. I am aware of how crazy all of this sounds. But is there anything in Trump’s history that would suggest that I am wrong?

There are a number of theoretical scenarios for nullifying the election, but this is the one I predict:

Trump will reveal that “a lot of people are saying” the election was a rigged fraud. “Illegals” and “Gina” stuffed the ballot boxes with “millions” of fake mail in ballots (the impossibility of doing that is never explained). So we need to investigate before the Electoral College can vote. Attorney General Bill Barr will look Trump in the eye and forcefully say “Yes sir! Investigate! That’s exactly right!”.

An investigation will be launched, but it doesn’t really matter how it’s conducted or what, if anything it finds. They will just run out the clock until December 14th which is the deadline for the Electoral College to vote. Once that passes, the election goes to the House of Representatives where each state gets one vote. The 40 million people of California and the 8 people, 14 Coyotes and 44 billion tumble weeds of Idaho are treated exactly the same, and Trump is declared the winner.

And this is the best-case scenerio. The worst case involves a lot of tanks, thousands of the MAGA Militia dudes who we’ve seen ordering their Dunkin’ Donuts with Howitzers strapped around their necks and the sudden requirement to refer to Trump as “El Presidente for Life”.

In most presidential races, the weeks leading up to election night are the most interesting. In this election, the weeks between election day and Inauguration day will be the ones to watch. President Trump has constantly expressed disdain for the basic foundations of democracy (seperation of powers, a free press, an independent judiciary, the rule of law). He has also repeatedly refused to commit to accepting the results of the election and has spoken often about how it’s going to be rigged and “the biggest disaster in history”. He is physically incapable of accepting defeat and walking off into the great tanning bed in the sky.

The only thing that potentially stops this is our refusal to go along. We must put aside the fact that we feel we sound crazy talking about this and start engaging our Republican legilators and making plans to protest any effort to steal, or more likely ignore the results of the election just 3 short months away. The Biden campaign must game out likely nullification scenerios and have a plan to deal with each aggressively.

As important as getting Trump out of office is, preserving democracy is the higher goal. But realistically, it is likely that you can’t do one without the other.

Written by

Long-time state House and Senate member, author of PA’s Medical Marijuana law, also creator of “shit-gibbon!” Comedian, professor, father of 2 awesome children!

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