We Should Ban Towing Cars For Parking Violations — A Personal Story

Admittedly, sometimes I can overreact to personal trauma. For example, while I like sour pickles, I find sweet pickles utterly odious. So when some fast food restaurant unexpectedly put sweet pickles on my fish sandwich years ago, I was pissed. But I’m the first to admit that I probably went too far in flying to The Hague to personally demand the owners of the restaurant be declared “War Criminals” and eaten by fire ants.

Given my newfound self-awareness, I am reluctant to wade into the waters of calling for global consequences based on personal experiences. Yet despite that reluctance I am going to tell you what happened to me this weekend and what I think should be done about it. You will notice that after careful editing, you will find almost no references to people being devoured by insects.

On Friday, I had a meeting in downtown Philadelphia and then later I had to pick up my daughter at the airport. With a few hours to kill, I was faced with the choice of doing something profound to benefit humanity or buying some raisinettes and seeing a movie at the Ritz 5 theater. After what could have probably been more thorough consideration, I opted for the flick.

When I emerged from the theater two hours later with a new outlook on the universe and a firm commitment to saying everything for the rest of my life in the style of Morgan Freeman, I noticed something troubling about my car. It was no longer there.

It is interesting how your mind refuses to accept certain things. I knew exactly where I had parked my car. Furthermore, cars are fairly large objects and even the later models do not come equipped with invisibility features. Nonetheless I repeatedly looked away and then back at the parking spot in the irrational hope that this time the car would be there.

My first thought was that my car had been stolen. The fact is that I always leave my doors unlocked and my keys in the car. That way I always know where they are. For a moment, I heard a rush of all the voices who had ever referred to me as “unwise” or “imprudent” or “dumb as a box of hair”, or a “total fuck-nugget” for doing this. This feeling was exacerbated by my strong feeling that I had parked in a legal space. That, dear reader, is a whole other…