Why Do Gyms Play Awful Music?
Like a lot of people, I regularly try to get to the gym. Because a body like mine doesn’t just HAPPEN! And people thank God for that. I mean, everyone thanks God for that. Even atheists. The prospect of an eternal lake of fire as a penalty for non-belief does not cause the heathen to repent. But the threat that my body might in fact just happen, and specifically might just happen to them, drives the hardest skeptic to their knees.
There are many things that are annoying about the gym. For example, the fact that just sitting on the incline bench, mentally ranking my top 10 favorite burrito places leads to very little progress pisses me off to no end.
I’m also not a fan of the folks who park their tuchus on the only machine of it’s kind in the building and decide that this is an excellent time to start writing the great American novel on their smartphone.
But the thing I find most odious about the gym experience is the music.
It seems like it would be a no-brainer to play good, well-known, well-liked popular music which would get everyone’s toes tapping and heads bopping. Because nothing inspires you to put in your best effort with the dumbbells like a bopping head. That’s why American weightlifters never win the top medals at the Olympics. We may have one of the largest populations and by far the most resources. But our heads don’t bop. And as a result, we can’t lift a tub of cream cheese, let alone a barbell full of iron.
Our failure to bop can be traced directly to the odd and infuriating choice of music made by whoever makes such decisions at most gyms. Rather than playing the Rolling Stones or U2 or some cool 80s New Wave, the gyms seem to always be playing what can only be described as endlessly repetitive, wordless thumpa-music.
I acknowledge that using the term “thumpa-music” makes me sound like I also use phrases like “23 Skidoo”, “Sure as shootin’” and “I’m voting for Coolidge”. So I googled “music played at gyms” and I found that the music I’m hearing goes by names like “garage”, “house” or “techno”.
It is apparently the same music played by the DJs that people flock to see in “concert” so they can watch them stand over 2 turntables, not playing any instrument or singing, but pushing the occassional button while pointing in the general direction of the sky. And people say that my impersonation of a refrigerator lacks entertainment value.
For the uninitiated, this music contains an endlessly repeating and unchanging beat, usually produced by a drum machine. Overlaid on top of this is a single-note drone of a synthesizer. It’s actually not fair to say that its repetitive, because it never changes, and it seems to me that something has to end in order to repeat.
After about 26 minutes of this “song”, no doubt titled “The Journey of the Lilacs into Purgatory” or something equally inexplicable, a new “song” begins, this one with a slightly different beat and drone than the first, but only just barely different. In fact, it is probably the sound closest to the previous song possible without actually being the previous song.
And here is my question: WHY??
Are there legions of people out there who, when discussing music, say “Hey, you know what I really love? The clanging of a busted water pipe with an electric can-opener overlaid on it”. The truth is, I’ve never seen the slightest sign of enthusiasm for this music at any gym I’ve worked out at.
On those occasions when, presumably, a new person starts their shift and the dulset tones of Led Zeppelin’s Black Dog shoot out of the speakers, a sudden and visible jolt of energy explodes through the gym. People start singing along, smiling, and dare I say it, bopping.
If I commissioned a poll of musical preferences, I’m certain the results would be as follows:
Rolling Stones, Honkey Tonk Women. — 100%
Endless Electric Droning Experience — What? Are you fucking kidding me? %
So if anyone reading this is in charge of choosing the music at your local gym, first, congratulations on your career choice. Well done!
And second, please don’t play House Music anymore. Nobody wants to hear it. Just play songs that people like….that you like. It’s not complicated. And if you are going to write a book about your experiences, don’t do it while sitting on the only lat-pull machine in the whole friggin’ gym!
